Mindset Artistry

Breaking Free from Secrets: Gretchen Hydo on Personal Transformation and The Art of Unbecoming

November 14, 2023 Amanda DeBraux & Janel Koloski Season 2 Episode 37
Mindset Artistry
Breaking Free from Secrets: Gretchen Hydo on Personal Transformation and The Art of Unbecoming
Mindset Artistry+
Become a supporter of the show!
Starting at $3/month
Support
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Have you ever felt trapped by secrets, labels, and rules? Ever wondered how to break free? This episode features Gretchen Hydo, a Master Certification Coach, Author, and one of LA's top coaches who shares her transformative journey from publicist to a life coach. She talks about her 10-stage secret-breaking system and the companion book that acts as a guide for people to shatter their self-deception and false self-whispers.

In our profound conversation with Gretchen, we venture into the intricate aspects of secrets, the narratives we weave for ourselves, and why secrets originate. Gretchen guides us through the process of unbecoming — a challenging yet liberating journey of defying the labels, rules, and stories that confine us. She asserts the importance of cultivating space for innovative ideas and the necessity to welcome change, even if it demands letting go of some people.

Dive with us into bravery, emotional healing, and self-transformation. Gretchen provides valuable insights on discerning the compromises we make to feel secure and how to break those psychological agreements. This episode is a journey of self-discovery, self-transformation, and healing. Tune in to learn from Gretchen's personal experiences, insights, and advice that can help you unlock your true potential.

Receive a FREE CONSULTATION with Amanda Debraux or Janel Koloski by clicking either of the links below.

Janel Koloski:
Appointment Calendar

Amanda Debraux
Appointment Calendar

Support the show

Amanda DeBraux:

Welcome to the Mindset Artistry podcast. This is Amanda DeBraux, a self-authenticity prosperity life coach and actor or actress per your reference.

Janel Koloski:

And I'm Janel Koloski, a career and mindset coach and an actor as well. We are your hosts and we're here to flip your mindset, to teach you the artistry of what we learned, to keep your mind in check Over the course of our lives, we've taken on the journey of healing, living and being authentically ourselves as we successfully build our individual careers. This podcast is designed for you so you can discover your goals and courageously reach them at your highest potential, while being 100,000% yourself.

Amanda DeBraux:

What you'll get from us is real dirty and a little well more like a lot of quirky.

Janel Koloski:

Along with empathy edge and a safe space that holds hashtag no judgment.

Amanda DeBraux:

If you're ready to build a mindset that is unapologetically you and excel beyond the stars, you're in the right place. We're so excited to have you here Now. If you haven't already, follow us on Instagram as we post content daily and provide helpful tips that you don't necessarily get. With the podcast, you also get to dive in deeper into our lives, personal stories and get involved in the conversation. Dm us if you have any questions and if you're ready to dive into the life that you desire, Book that consultation today. Let's dive in Hashtag. Just say Hi everyone and welcome back to mindset artistry podcast. We are here with the incredible Gretchen Hydo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a personal connection and absolute love for Gretchen because she was my life coach that helped me get certified as a life coach, so I'm excited. So let me tell you a little bit about Gretchen.

Amanda DeBraux:

Gretchen holds the highest designation of master certification coach through the International Coaching Federation. She is an author, a key no speaker and a trainer considered by many to be one of Los Angeles top coaches. She specializes in guiding individuals and organizations to make high level transformations by breaking the rules, shedding their secrets and changing lives. Her 10 stage secret breaking system helps people step away from the default legacies and lean into a created future. As an author of the book break free from your dirty little secrets A new you in 10 secret breaking stages and the companion workbook tell your secret. She's dedicated to helping women break free from the lies. They they are false self whisper, whispers about who they are and what they've done and step into bigger living. And she lives in Los Angeles with her amazing family. Welcome.

Gretchen Hydo:

Gretchen, thank you so much. It's always so hilarious. When I hear my bio read, I'm always like, oh God, yeah.

Amanda DeBraux:

It's so fun. You deserve that you are.

Gretchen Hydo:

Thank you, but it is always so funny. I feel like it's always a little bit pretentious when you're listening to it back and the long thing and whatever else. I am so glad to be here with you too, amanda. I adore you always, have always. Well, jenelle, it's so great to get to know you and I'm really happy to be here.

Amanda DeBraux:

Thank you, so let's just jump in. I had the pleasure of working with you and getting certified and like really being crammed into the process of being a life coach over a weekend and spending lots of hours together. But I say which was great and learning from you what made you want to become a life coach and then become a teacher.

Gretchen Hydo:

You know it's so interesting. I've been a natural coach my entire life. I was the kid who in the elevator we didn't have phones yet that if you asked somebody how they were, they would really tell me. And what happened for me was I was a publicist before I was a coach. And one of my clients said to me during a board meeting you know, gretchen, you really should be a business coach. And I thought okay, maybe. And then later that week a woman that I was mentoring said you should have been a therapist. And I said yeah, I'm not going back to school for all of that. That takes too long. And she said you should be a coach. And I thought what is a coach? Is it a fake therapist? Well, I went out and did research and when I found out what a coach was, I thought I do this all day long for free. I 100% should be a coach. And I went and got the certification and just never turned back.

Gretchen Hydo:

And then why I decided to teach was the school that I went to and that you went to, amanda. They actually reached out to me and asked me if I was interested in being a teacher. I had never thought of teaching Like at first I said no. To be honest, I was like no, I'm good. And she said I really think you would like it. And then the woman who was my instructor at the organization called and said I think you should do it. And I'm so glad that she did, because it actually opened me up to creating my own programs as well into teaching for the coaches who come into my sphere outside of that school.

Amanda DeBraux:

I love all that. That's like so synchronicity, things what's meant to be for you will eventually show up and you have to step into that. And I love that because I've gotten that. I wanted to be a forensic psychologist and I was like, yes, I'm going to be like a therapist or work with like a counselor, totally dismissed, that became an actor and now full circle a certified life coach and I think it can. You know, it's just full circle how what I originally wanted to do wasn't ready or wasn't ready at that time. But now I have this different training and, similar to you, I was like I am not going to go to school for another seven years to become a psychologist and no, thank you whatsoever. So I'm grateful that we have this.

Amanda DeBraux:

Amazing life coaches. What was the the I guess the biggest challenge for you throughout this process of becoming a life coach and then transitioning into creating your own pope, your own programs, and taking that leap of I'm going to own my business, I'm going to own my craft, I'm going to own Gretchen, and then I want to share that with the?

Gretchen Hydo:

world. There's a lot of questions in that, so let me do my best. Let me do my best. Answer no, it's fine. It's fine.

Gretchen Hydo:

So it wasn't hard for me. I know I'm supposed to say that it was or I'm supposed to act super humble or something like that, but the truth is this building a business wasn't hard for me because I already had a business background. What was hard for me was figuring out how do I make relationships with clients, because that was different than public relations. I knew what to say. I knew what to do in PR. I'd been doing that business for a long time. Coaching is really different in the approach, so that took some time to slow down and to really learn what needed to happen there.

Gretchen Hydo:

And then, as far as owning being Gretchen Haido, you know, with my book, there was a moment with the book where I really had to make a decision. Am I going to write this book as a talking head, like I'm the expert and I know so many things and you should just listen to me? Or am I going to talk in this book like a human? And I decided I'd be a human.

Gretchen Hydo:

But there was a lot of vulnerability in that, because there are some things that I reveal in that book that I was like I don't know. Are people going to think I'm crazy? Are people, you know, if my clients read this, are they still going to want to work with me? And I did. I did have to look at that, you know. I really weighed it, but in the end I decided, you know, I'm a human with this and, yes, I definitely have the knowledge base. Yes, there are things that I can take ownership of, but I wanted people to feel connected, and it's hard to connect when someone is just the expert and not in it with you.

Janel Koloski:

I love that and I can't wait. I have so many questions about this book, but something that really stood out to me about you when we first met is just your beaming with confidence, and as coaches, I suppose you're supposed to do that right, but Amanda and I are still new, so have you always been like this and I love that. You brought a vulnerability, so it's great when a person that can be vulnerable can also admit so much confidence and take up so much beautiful space and lead. So did the PR job help you with that, or have you always been this way? Or how did you find that and what advice you have for people?

Gretchen Hydo:

So good, okay, have I always been this way? It's interesting, and I'll be vulnerable with this too, because it's so boring to listen to things when people aren't. I do think this. I think that for a long time, I probably had really low self-esteem growing up, and confidence was probably like superiority was probably something that I used to feel better about myself, like I'm so good, I'm so this. But on the other side of that coin was really low confidence and not feeling like I was sure, or did I fit in? Did people like me?

Gretchen Hydo:

You know, we don't get here being coaches without doing our own self-work, or at least we shouldn't. So you know that's the truth, and so I did a lot of work on that, and what I can say now is that it's true confidence. I know what I'm good at. I don't pretend when people tell me oh, you're really good to be like really yeah, I know I am, you're right, I am good at it, but I'm not good at every single thing in the world. So I don't pretend that I'm good at what I'm not, but the things that I am I do take ownership of, and I know that that's really a gift. I think as women, we've been taught to be small and to not take ownership of the things that we're good at. That somehow that's rude or emasculating and I call BS on that. We're all good at something and we need to know what that is so that we can bring people into our circle with that light.

Gretchen Hydo:

As far as being a coach went, you know I stumbled around with like am I doing it right? Are people getting results? Sometimes I would totally screw up the whole enrollment thing with clients, but it didn't worry me because it was like I'll just do it again next time, like, oh well. And I think too, because my attitude in life is that there's really no big deals. You can do everything over. If you mess up so bad, you can apologize, you can give someone a redo and you can give money back if you have to. I never do that, but if you needed to, you could.

Gretchen Hydo:

So I think for me, part of the confidence is I'm just not that worried, you know. I'm just not that worried about it. It's like I know I'm showing up to do the very best job I can on that given day and I really trust that it's enough. You know, if you're fully present with someone, that's usually enough. I know I said a whole lot there. I hope that it answered the four questions that you asked me in that one question. But no, I don't think I've always been confident. Fake confidence coming out of superiority yes, I healed and now it's true confidence yes, nailed it.

Janel Koloski:

It's so great and that I would definitely take away for me, because, it's true, I think I am a very confident person until I feel like I'm messing something up or oh, everything has to be perfect, and you know that's great. So, for listeners, take that in.

Gretchen Hydo:

And not only that. Remember this the way that you become confident is by messing up. Most jobs and most interactions in the world are a lot like improv, it's just true. And you two are in entertainment and everything else we're improving a lot of the time. And to improv, well, you have to be fully present and connected with your audience. Whoever your audience is, whether it's one-on-one because you're coaching, or one to many because you're on a stage but if I'm here and I can feel the energy coming from the other person, I do know where to pivot. And if I have royally messed it up, you just keep going with the yes, and it's the exact same concept. And the only person who usually knows that you've quote unquote screwed it up is, you know, unless it's like a really bad one. And then you just say, oh my gosh, I don't know where that came from. Let me try it again, that's okay.

Amanda DeBraux:

That's so good. I'm so reassuring especially as coaches, but also a person in general that it's never too late. You can always keep trying, and I love that perspective that you have. Gretchen, You've eased me. I'm like, oh my gosh, as I can do anything. I really truly love that. So you spoke about your book. Break Free from your Dirty Little Secret. I apologize. A new you in ten secret breaking stages. Tell me a bit about that journey of wanting to, like to, writing this book and then sharing it with the world.

Gretchen Hydo:

Okay, I always knew I'd write a book. I didn't know what it would be about. I tried my hand at fiction. Since I was seven, I've been writing something short stories, poems, love letters. Thank God those weren't sent. You know, like whatever I've been writing, writing, writing songs.

Gretchen Hydo:

One day I was at the park and I was walking and I'm a person filled with faith and so I'm just going to use the word God for a minute. I really felt God say to me you're going to write this book for women and it's going to be called, it's going to have the title. First it was dirty little secrets of women and I was like, oh, all right, I'm done with that. I had no idea what it meant or what it was going to be. And I met my husband for tacos across the street and over tacos I came up with like, oh, it's this, it's this, it's this, it's this Writing.

Gretchen Hydo:

It was not as easy as thinking about writing it. You know, I've got two kids, I've got a big business and I had to be really disciplined, because books do not write themselves. Maybe they do now with AI, but it didn't. It didn't write itself for me and it's not the way that I wanted to go. I ended up hiring a book coach you know, the coaches are great, they help us with all sorts of things and she really kept me on track. I had to have a chapter in every week. If it wasn't there for whatever reason, she didn't care. I still had to pay the money. That's my BS, not her BS, you know, and that's the way that I was able to do it.

Gretchen Hydo:

Then we edited and then it got published, and so, as I was writing that book, there was so much that was just revealed through each stage and I just trusted and had faith that the next stage would show up. And there it was. And then at the end it was like wow. And now I've got a program around it called Break Free to Bold. It kicks off actually this week where I'm taking some women to the mountains. It's a six month program and then we have a closing retreat as well, but I'm going to take what's in the book and do it live, just to bring it to life. So that's what my process really looked like.

Amanda DeBraux:

That is so cool. Oh my gosh, that is really just. That's just really cool. Just having the like I guess I would say I'm more of a sproach of person but the intuition and tapping into the divinity and going and trusting that you're because, as coaches, we really rely on an intuition, we really, really rely and pay attention to being present, like you said, and the fact that it hits you and you were able to be aware in that moment ago. I got it. I heard what you said. Now I'm going to run with it. It's so inspiring as well. Tell me a little bit about, like, what are secrets made of?

Gretchen Hydo:

So here's the thing with secrets when we think of secrets we think of kind of the bad thing that we've done. You know, for some people they think about that money they like stole off the top of the cash register or lying on their resume or cheating or an abortion or like whatever right Secrets. And yes, that's one part of the secret, the secret action. But the second part of the secret, which is really the most damaging, is the story that you then tell yourself about who you are. Because of the secret, because it becomes your identity I'm bad, I'm ashamed, I'm not good enough. People can never be in a relationship with me because I'm this, that or the other thing. And it shapes our life. Secrets can also be the thoughts and beliefs that you have about yourself. You know we don't meet people and say like hey, I'm Gretchen, I used to be really violent, like I'm not going to introduce myself that way, but it's true, it's a secret and so anything that we are hiding or it can also be outgrown beliefs. You know, for a lot of people they grew up in environments where it was do, but don't feel you have to outdo everything, but don't feel that feeling there's no time and space for that. That's a secret, right, I have feelings. Oh, there's a big secret. Or don't upset your mother or your father. That's a secret we don't go around telling people. I wasn't allowed to upset my mother and my father, but those are secrets and so that damage is there.

Gretchen Hydo:

And then the third part is really when we look at the reason that the secrets were developed in the first place. You know what's the faulty wiring, what happened in the past to make you believe that this is the way that you had to act? And it always has to do with our security and the way that we receive, like love, adoration and safety. You know we do these things because our family system called for it and we wouldn't have fit in otherwise. So secrets aren't just the thing that you've done. There's like a whole other octopus full of tentacles. That's there, that's great.

Janel Koloski:

Yeah, now, I was just thinking because today I was talking to somebody about that and it just makes just all that judgment that can come up if somebody knows the truth about your humanity. You know, and Amanda and I we joke about this like I was like, oh, I want to be like mysterious and cool or something, but it's like people know, I'm like this is what you get, this is, you know, and I'm very polarizing because of that. And then it's like you, it makes you want to like become less and less of yourself. You know, but I would love to know more about this process of unbecoming that you talk about, which is completely different than what I was just saying, and it's like in a beautiful way.

Gretchen Hydo:

So I'm so glad that you asked that. You know and it's not. It's not different than what you're talking about. We have these ideas about who we are. So any identity that you have, it's just an idea of who you are and when we're unbecoming, there are three parts. I'm making a triangle, so if anyone can't see it because they're just listening, it's a triangle. One side of the triangle are your labels. So if you wrote down every label that you have mother, sister, wife, friend, procrastinator, aggressive, mean girl, cool girl, cheerleader, like I don't know, whatever it is for you good ones and bad ones that's one side of who you are. The other part are the rules, the ways that you were taught to behave in your home. Be a good girl. Women should have long hair. Don't speak up. The world is dangerous. Whatever, whatever you got, you know they can be rules from society, from your parents, from religious institutions, from school. A guy at the bank one time told me women should have long hair and carry nice purses. I don't know why he thought he should say that to me, but he did. I picked it up for something. My hair doesn't grow long. I don't know, I've already. It's terrible, but like that really stayed with me.

Gretchen Hydo:

The next part, the bottom, is made of two pieces. One is your narratives. Those are the hidden beliefs you have about yourself and who you are. I'm a fraud. I'm not good enough If I weighed five pounds less. If I weighed five pounds more. I'm too much, I'm too little. Fill in the blank. And then the other side of the narrative is the beliefs that you have about the world. The world's a scary place. I don't deserve love.

Gretchen Hydo:

And when you do that, here's your triangle and you're in the middle, and that's the cage, the unbecoming. But when you look at it, when you look at all three, that cage is perfect for the results you have in your life today, because the cage is the system that has kept you safe. The cage has kept your identity alive. Most of these things are your coping mechanisms. They are outgrown and over identified, and so what we're doing when we're unbecoming is we're looking at all of it. We're looking at all of this and we're trying just to open it a little bit, and then a little more, and then a little more.

Gretchen Hydo:

And what happens when we can open, it is not telling anyone to get rid of everything. You're just not going to. That's not possible without a lobotomy, so let's not do that. But when we can open it, some new and creative ideas can flow through. We're so scared of that, though, because we're in reactive thinking most of the time, and the reactive thinking keeps us in our fear stance, which keeps the cage here, and anytime you try to open it, something's going to happen, so the cage closes again. Nope, nope, that's too scary. We're just looking for a little and a little more, and a little more to challenge all of those ideas, so that the real you before you had to learn how to get your like love and value and safety can emerge.

Janel Koloski:

I like this is amazing. I was just thinking about my therapy today. It's like my six-year-old self is still controlling some parts of my life today. That's it, yeah. Well, during this process and I love this I'm like I'm going to make my triangle. I'm going to do it, make your triangle.

Gretchen Hydo:

Doing the thing. Get my book, because it's all in there I'm reading, I am Everybody get the book.

Janel Koloski:

I love it. My advice you have for people because it's like if you're in your own space and you're not around anyone, it could be a little easier to change. But for me and I've pushed through it but sometimes when you're trying to change your identity, people just love keeping you there too you also not only have to prove to yourself. No, open the triangle a little bit. It's like also telling everybody else I can be something different. I have people that are committed to believing that I'm the same person I was 10 years ago and they'll never change their mind. And I've noticed that stops a lot of people from also trying to open the triangle.

Gretchen Hydo:

I know it's true, and so here's the deal with that. It's just going to take some practice, because here's what happens if you stay in the triangle. We all have a purpose, and it's something that each of us are meant to do. My purpose is different than your purposes, even though we're all coaches, and so here's what I want you to think about what's on the line is adjacent living, so you're close to what you should be doing, but you're not really doing it. And if you don't do it, nobody else comes along and does it and influences the people that are in your life.

Gretchen Hydo:

Sometimes, when we're doing the opening of the triangle, some people are no longer in our inner circle, and that's okay. It feels really scary, but I know this that anytime someone is removed, something different I won't say better something different that serves you will come along and we don't have to look at the old as a negative. It's not like oh, so glad they're out of my life. It's like that was really great for when it was great, but it doesn't serve who I really am without the cage. And so these people who want to reinforce our old behavior a lot of times they can change too, and when they see our change. They're like what are you doing, like what is going on, and their mind is blown. And some will stay with you, you know, but it takes some bravery, really does take some bravery, and we all have that inner knowing of when the buck stops. Here Doesn't matter what the other people want. I can't live like this for one more minute.

Amanda DeBraux:

That's beautiful. It kind of reminds me of I love analogies and I love what you're saying. I always think of you know, we are the driver of our car going down this journey and sometimes they pick people up, they put them in the passenger seat. Sometimes we switch and they're in their driver seat because we gave them permission or, maybe, unbeknownst to us, they took it from us and so now we're in the passenger seat or they're behind. And I've realized that throughout this journey and I love that you have tapped into this concept and this interesting realization about secrets that I think there's such a negative aspect around it and you're bringing so much light to secrets being almost liberating in a way once you acknowledge them is that you have the ability and the control to drop them off at the next stop. You can open the door. Sometimes you got to kick them out, but you can open the door and let them go, and sometimes it's hard to look at that mirror and see them being left behind. Yes, that gives them an opportunity, like you said, to. Sometimes they got to pick it up themselves and maybe they'll meet you at the next stop. And it's giving me chills as I'm saying, that they'll meet you at the next stop because you gave them the courage to keep going, because they've been lashing on to you, and so I love that.

Amanda DeBraux:

It just kind of came to me and I was like, oh my God, I'm getting chills literally over my body thinking about that, because we all kind of go through that process of I wouldn't say letting go but releasing the attachments of certain things and different stages of our lives. And we were just talking to Nell yesterday on our live about how sometimes our child-like selves are throwing tantrums for attention with our adult selves, and so we dived into that conversation and I was like, yeah, sometimes you got to tend to that child and be the adult that that child needed, and so it just brought me that whole concept. Sorry to go off a tangent, but I was like I really had to share that. I was like I had to share that. What is your hope for the book when someone picks it up, whether they're an actor, creator, a life coach, a woman who's a mother or single? What is your hope for them who pick it up?

Gretchen Hydo:

Kind of like for you that you just said you had chills. I could see your aha there. Every woman deserves those chills. We all deserve to get out of the triangle. We have so much to do here, so much to do here, and I don't want women to be ripped off, just don't.

Gretchen Hydo:

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the small living and I know the pain that comes with it too, especially when there's something it's kind of like if you drive your car in the mud over and over and you can't get out and the groove just gets bigger and bigger and you can knock it out, you are going full on the gas, it is going nowhere and then you flood the car. That's kind of what happens with our secrets and these ideas we have about ourselves. We flood our internal regulating system with all of these negative thoughts, all these things that aren't true. We want to get out of the ditch and we don't know how to do it, because it's a well-worn groove and I want people to be able to make that groove smoother and smoother and get out of the ditch. You know it's really time to get out of the ditch.

Amanda DeBraux:

Are you an actor who has struggled to find a reader last minute, getting on the pressures of the audition process, and time is ticking, tick, tick, tick, tick? You just want to concentrate on breaking down the script and getting that bold take. You've exhausted asking your mom or friend, or even your landlord, and the pressures of finding a good scene partner has become overwhelmingly pressured. Or maybe you booked your big dream gig role and no one is around to help you rehearse your lines? Well, not anymore, thanks to we Audition.

Amanda DeBraux:

We Audition is the ultimate video chat community designed by actors for actors. Say goodbye to those awkward rehearsals with your well-intentioned family members. We Audition brings you a platform where you can audition, self-tape, rehearse and receive expert industry advice and meet casting directors all in one place. But wait, there is more. We Audition offers actors like yourself to be a reader and then get paid for doing it, while helping your fellow actors. Join this thriving community of creatives today by visiting weauditioncom, signing up, and don't forget to use our promo code mindset M-I-N-D-S-E-T to receive 25% off. Now let's get back into this episode of Mindset Artistry.

Janel Koloski:

Oh, amanda and I are there. I think we've been saying that for two or three weeks. I mean, it's making me think of, I would say, when I was 19 and had an experience as much. I was very driven, without fear, and what happened to me was, you know, I wanted to do modeling in New York City and I went for it and I've accomplished it and it's like all these great things, but I lost a lot of people that were close to me because I focused on that and I didn't realize how damaging that was.

Janel Koloski:

I was like, oh, this independent woman really going for what she wants, who does she think she is? And it's like this man I was engaged to is saying terrible things and all these people were my friends and all this stuff. And so now, you know, amanda and I are both in a situation where we need to like level up. We're kind of annoyed. We're annoyed. I'm actually annoyed, like this thing where I'm like I can't, I can't, I'm gonna run it and it's up to me. But I've been finding that groove of like, oh, you know, but then, when I'm focused on myself and that strong, independent woman, again, it's like it would be nice to have both, to be able to be that and which obviously it can. But the least, society has told me in a lot of my own personal experiences that it's not possible to have all that, so that's what makes it harder for me to choose myself and even some other women that I've spoken to.

Gretchen Hydo:

You know, I really appreciate you sharing that in your vulnerability. What I'm really hearing is grief, yeah, so much grief. Grief for the 19 year old, grief about that fiance who I'm thinking some things about him, like grief about all of these things, right, and the things that happen to us along the way and we can't. We can't get out of the groove unless we decide to feel, and that's just the truth. And so when you were talking about the six year old before, we have to let the six year old finally speak, because these coping mechanisms come from a stuck point in our life. Six, eight, 10, like whatever it is before 13 comes from a stuck point in our life where something happened and we've been using that coping mechanism ever since. You know I'll share when I was growing up, my parents, you know they really had some substance abuse issues and they love me and whatever else, but they're only 18 years older than me. So when I think about that, like 18 year olds shouldn't have babies, like don't do it, but they did and that's great, I'm glad that that's the story and I'm here. So they were behaving like some 18 year olds do and one night, when I was nine, the police came to the door because there had been a very dramatic episode and he brings both of my parents back into the house and he looked at me and he said put your parents to bed, because you're the only grown up in the house. Now what that yeah right, ew, and what that did for me was this it made me over responsible. That's a superior thing, that I was talking about, that like I'm better than well. The police officer thought that I was the only grown up in the house. You know, he's important, he's a police officer, you know.

Gretchen Hydo:

So I took that on and what happened to me for much of my life is that groove of needing to take care of everyone because I have the best idea, I'm the most responsible, I'm the only grown up in the house, led me to be in relationships with people who don't act like grown-ups even though they are, led me to do more for them than for myself, led me to find people that I could fix and help because I'm such a good grown-up.

Gretchen Hydo:

The police officer told me and that groove was really hard, but I didn't know, I didn't know, and so when you do this work, I really had to go back and look at that for my nine-year-old that, wow, you don't have to be the only grown-up, you shouldn't have had to do that at all.

Gretchen Hydo:

Sweetheart, that was not your job, and what that enabled me to do when I got to that was to see where in my life was I doing other jobs as a grown-ass woman that were not my job? That were not my job, and so every time I'd say no, and people definitely had reactions to that because they were very used to things being my job and I'm super confident you want them to be my job. When I started putting things back in people's lap, some of the stuff didn't get done and it was really hard for my identity not to pick it back up and say, see, I'm the only grown-up here, that's why I should do it. But just to say no, that's not my job and it healed that nine-year-old. And so for all of us, we have to find our stuck point.

Amanda DeBraux:

Ooh, that was fine-chilling, I think. Sharing that question that's thank you for sharing your vulnerability and your story, and I'm sure everyone out there at some point has a moment that they felt that that child needed to be tendered to and cared to. And I'm curious, on as a coach that has now is well-renowned and well-appreciated. What has been your most rewarding experience as a coach, now that you've talked about your personal journey and you've impacted other coaches and becoming coaches and you have many programs, you've worked in bigger organizations and you have this amazing book that now is becoming you have the retreat. What has been the most rewarding moment?

Gretchen Hydo:

It's too hard to answer because there is no answer for that, because I feel like it's all rewarding. The truth is this, being a small part of somebody's very big deal is the most rewarding and it should happen every session. You know, if you're doing it right, it's happening all the time. For me, it's not a win. Okay, I do have a rewarding moment, though. I'll think of this.

Gretchen Hydo:

I did have a client who texted me and said he's going to propose to this person his girl and he said and we want you to marry us and when we have a baby we're going to make your middle. If it's a girl, she's going to have you as a middle name. That's pretty freaking rewarding, like what. That's amazing. I had another client who she did a VIP experience with me a big two day. She already had one baby that she had adopted and those same parents were having another baby and wanted her to adopt it. She was scared to tell her husband because he didn't want any more kids, but she desperately wanted one more and I told her why is what he wants more important than what you want? And she approached and we got to where her stuck point was they adopted that baby. That's a rewarding moment, and so it's those sorts of things, and it doesn't have to be that big either. It can be that unlock, you know, that unlock moment for someone that really helps them in every area.

Amanda DeBraux:

That's amazing. It made us think because recently, janelle and I we hosted some workshops and we've been talking to our clients and a lot of them are dealing with rejection or dealing with the lack of confidence and you and speaking up for themselves in relationships. You know you talked about your client, your VIP, and taking that ownership of I'm going to. I want another child. What is your advice for those that are struggling with that right now, who feel like they feel rejected, so they're not speaking up for themselves, they're not taking the initiative to be the change that they want to see in their lives. But, yeah, what advice you have for them?

Gretchen Hydo:

It can be really hard and I understand it, because something is at stake for you and when we are not going to ask, it's because we're doing a trade. I will not ask so that I can feel, whatever it is protected, love, safe, included, a part of seen, valued, heard, important. But what we're really doing is working against ourselves. But we do these trades all the time. They're energetic trades and I won't ask, even though I really want it, because if I do, this thing will be taken away. So anyone who's struggling with this right now, know that you're not alone. This is like everyone's human experience. Every day. Everybody has this on some level or degree. The next time you really want something or you know that it's not well in your soul, the thing that you've been asked to do or the thing that you're going along with, ask yourself what is the trade of me staying silent about my own need? What am I getting by staying silent? You're getting something.

Amanda DeBraux:

That's powerful. That's powerful. How does that, does that kind of relate to your book? You know the concept of the rejection of, maybe secrets. Can you speak to that and how that can possibly like what stage that may be in the tennis?

Gretchen Hydo:

So this is just a theme throughout the book and really we're going to look at it in stage three, where we are taking a look at chasing our feelings.

Gretchen Hydo:

We make trades because we're chasing the feeling that we need, so you need to feel safe. Great, I won't tell you that it's not okay with me that you did whatever the thing is that you did. There's also a part in the book, too, where we go over psychological agreements, which is the trading part, the actual trade, and I help people break those that most of the time, someone does not say to you Now listen, I'll make sure you're always protected, but you don't get to step out of line in these three areas, like that's not the way it works, right, it's energetic, but we know and it's always perfect for that system. And so by the time we get to stage seven and we really take a look at the unraveling of your secret, you know why it's there, you know how it was created, you know why it was programmed and you're ready to break this agreement with the person. And again, you're not going to say it to them, you're going to be different.

Janel Koloski:

I love that and something that came up and I mean it's always baffled me. But I mean, I think I'm very stubborn and very driven and so I can't give up very easily because I'm like, but what if I just keep trying? But what would you say? Have you always been as courageous and driven, like for me? I'm like I like my brother has autism and he's amazing and actually we have a lot in common, our interests. I can do anything that I want, and so can he, but the world puts limits. Okay, so I think that's where I get a lot of my driving force and courage, but I love to hear more about where yours comes from and how can people find that? Because I had to to protect my brother and to get what I wanted in life been grown up with any money, so how to make it? So? But not everybody has that, and then maybe they're comfortable, and then, but I don't have the courage and I'm like but you do, and yes, so I love your thoughts on that.

Gretchen Hydo:

So stubborn and driven are labels that you have right. So this is part of your triangle. You have a belief that you have to make it right, that you are going to make it. Part of that came to you because your brother can do anything, but in very different ways than you and not necessarily in the ways that the world finds valuable. So that was part of your fuel for being the way that you are. Underneath that, though, you're soft. I'm sorry, but you're a soft girl. You are sensitive, hearted and vulnerable and everything else. And if you didn't have to be so driven and so stubborn, who could you be? And really unmute and tell me who could you be if you didn't have to be so stubborn and driven?

Janel Koloski:

Oh well, just the soft, vulnerable person that I am, I'm so empathetic. It's always there, but it's like layer of like, but I care, and if you, could live in empathy.

Gretchen Hydo:

Yes, what did you do?

Janel Koloski:

Probably anything.

Gretchen Hydo:

Really name it, think about it. What else could you do?

Janel Koloski:

I'm probably reached people the way I want to. I really connecting people and making them feel seen and heard means a lot to me, probably because of Joe.

Gretchen Hydo:

And if you could make people feel seen and heard, what else could you do? I don't know. I'm not with it for a minute and really think about it because it's important. You're asking me how can people get their courage just like this, not deflecting, not making it light, really asking yourself and sitting with it. We don't have the answer right here and it takes time.

Janel Koloski:

Yeah, and I have to think about that one.

Gretchen Hydo:

Feel it. You know it's a feel it.

Janel Koloski:

Yeah, I don't know. Relax and just do whatever I'm here to do, whatever this purpose in life is and what's your belief about relaxing? I can't.

Gretchen Hydo:

Yeah.

Janel Koloski:

I can feel that, because no one else is going to do whatever for me, am I going to cry?

Gretchen Hydo:

You might Most people do. This stuff is deep, so no one else will do it for you. So what's the core belief there? I'm alone. There we go, janel, I didn't mean to hot seat you, but I hot seated you anyway and that's it. And see how the tears and thank you so much were just right there. But you didn't want to do it. I had to really kind of push. I'm like you know, yes, you do. We have to stick with it and believe that. We know we have to let those tears come and that core belief that you have of I'm alone. Think back to where that actually isn't true. Give me one example where you know for sure you are not alone.

Janel Koloski:

Oh well, my family is there for me they are.

Gretchen Hydo:

But you play a really important role in the family, so they're there for you, but they don't see you in the way that they need to, because you have to do it all, because your brother gets mostly attention.

Janel Koloski:

Yeah.

Gretchen Hydo:

Yeah, they're there for you, but you're like the good one, the whatever went out, that your brother's bad, but you're like the overachiever to a T Right.

Janel Koloski:

Yeah, yeah.

Gretchen Hydo:

So if you could be there for you. What would it look like?

Janel Koloski:

A lot more relaxing and kindness, like just like you're amazing and you've accomplished so much and you are just lovely, and just really believing that.

Gretchen Hydo:

And what if you were lovely even if you accomplished nothing? Yeah, because that's what we're at, is that you're alone and you're only worth what you've done.

Janel Koloski:

Yeah, or what I can do for people you can do yeah.

Gretchen Hydo:

You can get there. It's like how do people do this? They slow way down and they don't do it alone. It's how are you going to do this voodoo by yourself? Right, you get someone to ask you the questions, you get a coach, you get a therapist, you read the book, you do whatever the thing is, but you really sit with it and you don't rush through it. And when the tears come, we don't stop them. We're not looking like oh my God, tears, they better stop. That's old.

Gretchen Hydo:

Tears need to flow through the body, and they don't always just mean sadness. They mean anger, they mean grief, they mean shame, they mean happiness, they mean joy can be bubbling over, but if we don't move them, they're just going to keep storing the trauma. And so the way that we become courageous is little by little. Trust in ourselves. You have your answers. That is an old tape that you're alone. It's an old tape that you have to do to be seen. But that's where the unbecoming comes. So you're going to need to look at your triangle. And so how can people do this? They need to look at their triangle and get to that deepest belief. And you always ask yourself three times, because at the last one. You said I don't know. There's always an I don't know in there because we're too scared to say the truth. But your little self does know. Your little self is your friend in this. Thank you for pushing on that one. I didn't even prep you beforehand that like oh, maybe you'll get hot seat coaching today.

Janel Koloski:

No, thank you, and I always have emotion, but I was like I'm going to cry and the man is going to cry.

Amanda DeBraux:

You know I always cry when I see someone cry. It's a thing. Now I've I've thanked Gretchen for that and this whole journey as well is I've embraced the concept of crying, because as a child, crying was considered a bad thing.

Gretchen Hydo:

You suck it up, you move on that was a thing I had to go to my room if I cried Right, right, oh, you cry in silence.

Amanda DeBraux:

You can't sure.

Amanda DeBraux:

Now like, watch your face get over it. Yeah, None of that. None of that, especially. Like, absolutely not, suck it up, be strong.

Amanda DeBraux:

I mean me being like slightly bullied in middle school and being told that I was a medulla gorilla or a medulla gorilla horrible, you know and I would take it like, oh, it's so funny, oh, my gosh. And inside I'd be like crying. And then the minute I get home I'm crying in my bedroom. My mom's like what's going on? And I'm like, and I'm like, no, but it's okay, they're my friends.

Amanda DeBraux:

Because I was so desperate to belong, especially in middle school, because I was the oddball, I was the skinny girl, I was the one that didn't have the money and the brand new Jordans. You know that that was the thing and I, unbeknownst to myself, I took that and ran with it. But then I put such a shield up in the outside world that I've gotten that I'm cold and you know, and I'm like, not so much anymore, obviously, but I've gotten that I'm cold and like, I'm mean and I'm like I'm really not. I'm very, very emotionally tapped in person. But it took me a while to embrace that journey of crying. Even when I'm happy, sad, angry, I cry. I cry it out. I'm like, hey, it's coming, it's coming. Janelle knows I embrace it now and I tell everyone do that or whatever their version of that is, because some people it may not be crying, but I'm very, I'm a softball when it comes to those things and I get it. It's interesting a lot of people still think that I'm mean and I'm not and isn't it?

Gretchen Hydo:

so? If you really look at that label to the cold and the mean, if you can see, those were practiced coping mechanisms so that when people made fun of you and called you those names, that you could still keep your head high and show up and have friends junior high is the worst, but you know so that you could, so that you could do that. And so what happened? Is it just attached? It became a way of being to support this identity and it was easier to be cold and mean than to be picked on Right. And so we have to look at these tools and these coping mechanisms that have been overused, were back to that idea of the ditch again the groove and really say I don't need to do that anymore. But there's so much that goes with it. If it was easy as just saying I don't have to do that anymore, we wouldn't do it. Oh yeah.

Amanda DeBraux:

I know I've done a lot of that work and just the child version myself I didn't even know was suffering and affected me as an adult and like desperately trying to hold my hand throughout this journey and I'm like, get away, stop it. Yeah, leave me alone. I'm an adult now. I can't. You're good, you're in the past and it's been an amazing journey. How and all that affects you and, like you said, the secrets that we hold onto, the guilt, the shame, the suffering. You know just the resilience of I'm going to be cold. I'm going to be cold and strong just to prove that I can take it and I'm thick skinned. All those things. Yeah, yeah, I love that.

Amanda DeBraux:

And with this book, you know, I'm picking it up and I'm going to read it, then I'm going to record it and read and listen to it and go to sleep with it, because all the things and work through the process, because I feel like this book, with these stages, you can revisit the book again once you discover a new secret. Am I correct to say that I feel you would get one secret? It's a rinsing repeat. Yes, I love that. I love that. Yeah, it's just incredible because I do feel that, as we go through our journey, certain experiences bring up deeper, not challenges, I would say all the secrets. You know, there's one secret and then there's a sub-secret. It's to it, oh yeah.

Gretchen Hydo:

The tentacles that I was talking about. Yeah, usually the core messages that we take on as part of our identity, the secret thoughts we have about ourselves in the world, and then we become a secret keeper with our deeds. You know so. If you're sneaky and that was good in your family, you've probably shop lifted. It's just what people do, you know. Whatever it might be that it's like, well, it makes perfect sense because of the lens that you had to look through, there was no other way to be.

Amanda DeBraux:

I know we're going to be wrapping up, but what is your advice for anyone who and between being a life coach, or women who are struggling or trying to find their identity within the mass chaos of the world, our relationships with ourselves and others? What is your advice for women, particularly, who feel that they deserve more or change needs to happen?

Gretchen Hydo:

Yeah, you do deserve more and that inkling that you have that something needs to change. Listen to it. It is no longer okay to live small or to live adjacent to what you deserve. Supporting everyone else's dream but not supporting your own is really something that you want to stop doing, because the people in your life need you and all the encompasses who you are, not the old coping mechanisms, and also to remember you're going to be safe as your identity changes. You're going to be safe. It's going to be better than you expected and you're going to be healed.

Gretchen Hydo:

And this is the last thing, ladies, is this we need to do it in community. We've been taught to hate each other. Women don't like each other. You're going to steal my boyfriend, my husband. You're going to do whatever terrible thing you're going to do. You're going to talk about me. You're going to and we've done it right. We've done bad things. I've done bad things.

Gretchen Hydo:

I've done a lot of bad things as a woman to other women, because it's just the way it goes, but we have to do this in community and the more healed that we are, what happens is one woman does the work, I did the work, and I reach behind me and I grab another woman to do the work and then she reaches next to her and she grabs a woman. And then they reach behind them and they grab a woman. And I hold my hand forward for the women that can help me when I forget who I am and my truth. Because just because you do the work once, it doesn't mean like suddenly we have the spiritual amnesia and we're like what I forgot? Who am I? I had a concussion. Reach out your hand. Reach out your hand open in front of you to grab on and reach your hand behind you and grab tight to that woman who's scared. And that's my advice. We all deserve that.

Amanda DeBraux:

Oh, and then you want to cry because I feel like there's a lot of women out there who are struggling and that's my hope. Crap Ola, I knew I was going to cry at some point and I was like I don't want that person to feel that way, because I know what it's like to feel, what I felt, and I'm like I'm here to help you. Take my hand, please do, and that's what we've tried with our community and we're continuing to give our all to mindset artistry and I thank you so much for being here and hot seating with Janelle, and then now I think I hot seated myself at some point.

Gretchen Hydo:

You did.

Amanda DeBraux:

You sure did. I hot seated myself at some point, which is great, but it just hit me in the heart because that's what. That's what I want for people. I want that light in the world and I feel like it's so attainable for everybody. I don't want people to feel like it's not possible. So thank you for sharing that. Any last words, nelly, that you want to share with Gretchen, I'm like, so in love with Gretchen.

Gretchen Hydo:

I know I love you ladies too. Thank you.

Janel Koloski:

Oh, thank you so much. This was really beautiful and I'm excited about the book and about this episode, and we started this podcast because we send videos to each other to help each other out during the pandemic and lift each other up, and I definitely know that this will. Whoever listens will reach them and lift them up as well, and I think that's really what mindset artistry is about. So thank you for being part of this.

Gretchen Hydo:

Thank you for having me. You know, in closing, it's really. It's never too late. Don't lose hope. It's never too late, no matter where you are on the path.

Janel Koloski:

Just start, thank you so much for listening to this episode of Mindset Artistry.

Amanda DeBraux:

We hope you found our stories and tips motivating and helpful.

Janel Koloski:

Be sure to follow us here on Spotify for more episodes to help you master the art of your mindset.

Becoming a Life Coach and Owning
The Power of Secrets and Unbecoming
Unbecoming and Embracing Change
Change and Letting Go
Coach's Healing Moments and Rewards
Overcoming Rejection and Building Confidence
Emotional Healing and Self-Transformation Journey